Welcome to my Life!

It’s getting near!  The question is if I can really do it?  Can I keep my promise?  A promise I kept to myself…that I will start letting go of something that has bothered me for more than a year now.

Why have I waited this long?  Uhm, maybe I am afraid of losing you…Maybe I am blinded by the joy of having you around even if I know it wouldn’t last this way.  I maybe in denial that I couldn’t have you, could not keep you for a fact.  I’m so afraid of losing something which I never had…

Well, I guess it’s about time to get a little selfish and think about what is good for me, what is right, not just what makes me happy… Getting you out of my system will not make me happy but I know that is the right thing to do.  I’ll try not to find a reason to see you for I must admit that I sometimes do things purposely just to be with you.  I will not think of you when I wake up each morning and before I fell asleep at night.  I will not bother to know if you’re okay or in good condition.  Eventually, all these things will help me move on…I hope so…  I never wanted to burn the bridge between you and me; I just needed sometime not to be in touch with you to help myself forget the love I’ve had for you.

It was love, indeed.  All the things that I have done are because of that love but you never bothered to ask.  You never cared to ask why I’ve been doing all those things for you… You never confronted me or perhaps you already know and just using it to your advantage.  I couldn’t blame you if you are, it’s my fault if I am getting abused because I am allowing things to be that way.   

I will miss your eyes that get so round when engrossed with the stories that you are telling me.  I will miss your sighs whenever you feel sad of the things that are not going well with your plans… I will miss your reactions whenever I have provocative YM handles.  I will miss your sheepish smiles when you have something naughty in mind.  I will miss your tummy which I fervently criticize… I will miss your shoulders where I honestly have always wanted to rest my head whenever we’re together. I will miss everything about you…

Hayyyyyyyyyyyy…I still have a month and I couldn’t even make the most out of it because of my tight calendar.  Opppps!  I should rather say, I couldn’t make the most out of it because you are not mine.  SANA SA AKIN KA NA LANG…

Melancholic as I lay in one corner of the room

Thinking about you and why love hadn’t bloomed

Knowing myself I guess it did

But not for you, isn’t it?

I fell in love I must admit

Deeply caught of your incredible wit

Then again, it’s only I

I love you and don’t ask me why…

You’re maybe trying to be numb

But I’m sure you’re not dumb

You knew this all along

For it has been there for quite so long.

Don’t worry I will not insist

You may disregard it

And even assume I did not exist

We will continue to live life the way we want it

You, happy with the one you love

Me, longing and waiting to be loved.

Pathetic as I sound right now

I know I can cope with it somehow

I just need some time to let go and forget

No matter what there’ll be no regrets…

I know that everytime I talk to you I am adding the hurt inside of me.  There are a lot of things that I wanted to do with you.  I wanted to be with you…How much I’ve wanted to spend this long Holiday weekend with none other than you.  But I can’t! 

The thoughts of you have been killing me.  I know you are with somebody these past few days and you will be spending your time with I don’t know who until the Holiday is over.  I bade you goodbye, wished you to enjoy your vacation, though deep inside I am hurting.  Hurting because I know I can’t be with you and I won’t be able to at least check on you.  I don’t have the right, I am just a friend!  Moreso, you wouldn’t care about my feelings.

Oh God!  I miss you terribly!  I hope the Holiday is over so that my life will be back to normal…

I have been into a relationship for eight years with a man whom I thought I’ll marry someday as everybody has expected it.  But things did not turned out to be what we both have planned….

 We used to talk about marriage then and I must admit that it was the one thing I am waiting for to materialize after that eight long years of being in the relationship.  He is not a dream guy.  Worst, he is super “bolero” that he can make a girl fall for him easily.  Most of our issues are because of “other girls” which has also caused our relationship to end.

 Before, I could tolerate his, uhm, “playfulness” with other women but it has reached its limits when he got a girl pregnant.  For which I could not just pretend that things aren’t happening since there’s a living proof!  Much more I could not let myself suffer by allowing him reconcile with me and see the fruit of his infidelity grow.  I also don’t want to deprive an innocent child a chance to be with his biological parents.  So, I let go…

Someone told me that I should believe in some sort of magic when it comes to relationships.  For it will determine whether people are meant to be.  I was once asked if I have felt that magic with my ex-boyfriend and I asked in return what is magic?  Then, I was told that I haven’t really felt it because I asked what it is.  Maybe yes, maybe no, I really don’t know then…

Now, with Rayver I’ve another question in mind about magic.  For there is something that I felt when I saw him and something that I continually feel when he’s around.  Could this be the magic that they keep on telling me?  Would it be possible that I am the only one feeling it?  How unfair it is that it seems to be a one-sided feeling…

 Nah, maybe just an infatuation…O-oh! infatuation has the same meaning as LOVE! 

I am a little tipsy but couldn’t help myself opening my notebook and start writing again about my Rayver…

I just came from a nightout with my friends.  I was trying to occupy myself with things to at least forget him for a moment.  But it doesn’t turned out to be what I wanted. 

When my friends came, their first question was “where is Rayver” and I said “I didn’t invite him here”.  The truth is, I really wanted to but I controlled myself not to indulge into my temporary insanity where I would be happy for a couple of hours and be totally lonely after.  But then, regrets has it because have I chosen to be temporarily insane at least I felt the happiness of being with him.  Not like what I am in a couple of hours ago and until now.   

As I have mentioned, my friends are expecting me to come with him as my buddy.  The worst thing is they are asking me if we are “on”, as in “me and Rayver” as partners.  They are telling me that we are getting along well so why not have it the way people are expecting about the two of us?  If they only knew that I really wish we are!  Oh God! I am becoming so pathetic! 

The music is playing.  The dance beats are on.  And, it was Rayver I am thinking of!  Reminiscing how he moved to the beat of the songs.  How close we were while dancing the last time he was with us.  Silly me I should have asked him to come… 

Oh well, maybe that is how things are going to be until I can find a way to flush him out of my system.  I will be a little busy the coming week because of the deadlines at work but I don’t know how to actually keep myself from thinking about him.  What I am sure of is that I am officially missing him…

(Just wanted to share this…this is the first blog I’ve written for Rayver.) 

It’s 2 am. I am in my room. Before Sunrise is playing on my DVD. Jesse is convincing Celine to come with him and explore Vienna for that very limited day that he has. He has a plane to catch at 9am the following day. Have the whole day to be together and needs to say goodbye before sunrise.

The rain is pouring hard then…I heard a knock at my door. With little hesitance I asked who was it? You said, “It’s me”. The voice is so vivid that I forget about my second thoughts of opening my door. And yes, there you are standing in front of me. Soaked in rainwater and trembling with cold. Without a word, you hugged me tight and I can feel the warmth of your body amidst the water that’s all over you. “Why are you here?” I asked. Looking to your eyes I can sense that there’s something important that you have to tell me. “I have to tell you this…I am here without anything at hand only myself and my love for you. I don’t know how I will ever explain things to you. All I know is that I have to tell you how I am feeling for you and I know that you feel the same way”.

I couldn’t respond. My knees are shaking and that moment I wanted to disappear. I only replied with a tear in my eyes. I’ve been waiting for this moment to come. And, now you are here telling me the things I’ve wanted to hear from the time I’ve known you.

We kissed and we hugged. Took the chance with us just like the in the movie that I am watching before you came knocking at my door. We made the most it before sunrise…

Then again, I heard a voice that I know isn’t yours. “Rise and shine!” The sun is lightly hitting my face. I opened my eyes and you are not around! I tried recalling everything that happened and I realized you weren’t here. You’ve never been here! It was just a dream…it’s just a dream yet seems to be so real…

Cupid hit me right through the deepest part of my heart but seems to forget to aim his arrow on Mr. Right’s too! 

For months now I’ve been trying to conceal how I feel towards this man… I keep on saying, “no we’re just friends”, “I just enjoy talking to him”, “things will be no more than friendship”.  Until someone told me this… “Hey girl you are in love with him!” 

And that was what I dreaded the most!  I never thought that I would be in this situation again.  Again?  Uhm, I think not.  This is the worst so far.  This is something that you wouldn’t want to be in.  But I know that I am not alone in this kind of situation.  Others could relate to what I am into right now. 

The scenario… 

 A friend introduced me to this man and I want to call him Rayver.  Don’t question the name because I don’t want to elaborate why I wanted to call him by that name.  Anyway, so we were introduced.  First, through chat then meet for a coffee with my friend, of course.  And then went out again for snacks and at that time just the two of us.  And again, and again, and again.

 We shared some good laughs, I sometimes consulted him about things that I have in mind, some with regards to work, some about personal stuffs.  Rayver is so eloquent and probably that’s the reason why I enjoyed talking to him.  He is also funny, a great dancer and a good singer.  A total performer I must say!  Someone even commented that he is a person whom you will never have a problem with in dealing with people.  And, yes he is!  He could easily adjust to the people around him and mingle with them even it’s their first time to meet.    

Knowing him more and more everyday drew me a lot closer to him.  I’ve known his views in life why he is what he is today and what he plans in the future.  Although I am not saying that I completely knew him.  He is so interesting that you will really enjoy a conversation with him. 

Now… 

I am aware that I had fallen for him and must admit that it happened long before.  I am happy just to see him online and happier when he was the first to buzz in.  Recently, I tried ignoring him when he gets online but desperately praying that he would start it.  Call me crazy but that is really what I am doing.   

I am trying to ignore him because of the fact that I’ve fallen.  I don’t want to entertain the feelings I have for him right now since it will result into nothing.  He has his plans and he will stick into in.  And no matter what I do, I am not the dream girl he would wish to have.  Plus the fact that he has a wide array of women to choose from.  I mean if he wanted to be with someone, he could.  He just has to choose…

If I am to write a letter to Joe d’ Mango about this he would probably advice me to let Rayver know about my feelings then be ready for the consequence.  And this would only mean, putting an end to the friendship for which right now, is something that I couldn’t let go of… 

My future plans… 

I will continue writing bits and pieces of my feelings for Rayver and will use this blog space to release my heart’s desire.  If this blog will reach his knowledge then realize that it was about him so be it!  Maybe by that time I am already over him…or, Cupid might as well make sure that he will hit Rayver’s heart and make him aware that I am here…